Fried eyeball cafe.

We live next to the Fried Eyeball Cafe.

Now, it's not a real cafe. There are no cute, iron tables sitting outside with striped umbrellas. There are no waiters, no cooks, and no food (at least, not for public consumption). There are, contrary to the sign posted on the billboard in the front lawn, no fried eyeballs. There are no cow eyeballs, no sheep eyeballs, not even a fish eyeball.

But there are two, self-proclaimed, fried eyeballs inside of the dome of this crazy lady that we live next to.

She claims that her eyes are fried because she has cataracts and our porch light is so bright that it fries her eyeballs.

So a little bit of history...

Through our landlord and neighbors, we've learned about this woman that we live next to. Prior to our landlord owning the house, this woman got in a huge legal battle with the previous owner about said porch light. According to her, the porch light is so bright that it burns her eyes. She sued to have the light turned off. A city official came and inspected the light and gave a seal of approval for the light to be on. After all, it is on our porch.

Supposedly (I've only heard it through the grape vine), she took the old owner of the house to court and she ended up in jail for a few days out of contempt of court.

When our landlord bought the house, he, too, refused to change the light. The previous tenant before us was a little old lady who lived alone, so naturally, a porch light was a comfort for her on dark nights. So it was on a lot. And our crazy neighbor lady went even crazier.

So, the other night, as we're sitting down to dinner with my mom and brother, the doorbell rings. I opened the door and saw a cute, young girl who looked like she was just out of high school. She introduced herself as the crazy lady's daughter and welcomed us to the neighborhood.

Pause. We've lived here in this house for over a year. Thanks for the timely welcome.

She said that she knew we were having dinner, but she just wanted to come over to introduce herself and welcome us to the neighborhood (again).

Then, yesterday, as we were opening Christmas gifts with my grandma, the doorbell rang again.

This time, it was a seedier looking man in his thirties or so. He introduced himself as the crazy lady's son and proceeded to, again, welcome us to the neighborhood.

Pause. We've lived here in this house for over a year. Thanks for the timely welcome, again.

Then, he said that he hated to be the bearer of bad news (I started thinking that the crazy lady had used one of our cats in some kind of satanic ritual), but that something had to be done about "that light", and he pointed at our porch light.

He claimed that it really hurts his mom's eyes when we leave it on during the day. First of all, since I've lived in this house, the porch light has been on during the day maybe, at most, twice or three times. Secondly, I find it very difficult to believe that our porch light can irritate her eyes during the day when the sun is shining. Compared to a 60 watt bulb, I'm pretty sure that the sun is just a teensy, weensy bit stronger. When I told him that it's never on during the day, he said, "well, yeah, it has been...quite a bit". Okay, finally, he lives out of town, so how would he know?

He rambled and went on and on about how, with the previous owner, there was an agreement about said light. (bullshit). Then he said that they had an agreement with our landlord when he lived here (more bullshit). He wanted us to change out the bulb or affix some kind of blocking mechanism on the side of the light so that it wouldn't shine south toward her neck of the woods.

I told him that he could go buy whatever he liked and set it up, but that I wouldn't do anything.

He then thanked me, and again, for the thirty-second god damned time, welcomed us to the neighborhood.

You know what I say to that? Lady, get surgery for your cataracts. It's a simple procedure that is done all the time. Or, if you can't get the surgery because you're terrified of needles or whatever stupid bullshit, then get some god damned curtains. Get some drapes. Get some window treatments. Get some blinds. I even know someone in the business. Or, if that doesn't work because you're too cheap or whatever stupid bullshit, just don't look toward my house.

It's pretty simple. Just look away. Read a book, crochet a hat, watch some crappy TV, paint your nails, do a crossword puzzle, learn another language, surf the internet, waste some time reading blogs...just do anything that will keep you from looking out your window to stare at our porch light. It's mine. I'm keeping it on.